HIV+; A Letter from my Friend: +J. Adam Pickett

David Kirby on his deathbed, Ohio, 1990.

Photo by Therese Frare, Life Magazine, November 1990

A Letter from my Friend: +J. Adam Pickett,  February 2, 2002

<<Dear Friends......

As you all know, a grouped e mailing is just way out of character for me, but as I will explain, I have to do it this way to conserve energy on my part.  I am sure many of you have noticed I have been really laying low and not terribly social for a long time now.  I tend to lay low when I am ill and also just do not feel comfortable when I think I may be imposing on someone in the slightest.  And really, the bottom line in all of this is there have been so many changes so fast I feel my head is still spinning!  

So whatever social inadequacies I have shown or whoever I simply pissed off, it was certainly not deliberate and if you think you could make more sense out of my life these last few years than I did, cool.  You just might be right!  But all I can say is there was no malice on my part and of you have felt hurt, I am sincerely sorry and ask your forgiveness.

You are all aware I discovered in 1997 I was HIV+.  For almost a whole year after learning I had HIV, I really did try to take the antiviral medications. However, to me the cure was worse than the disease as the meds left me perpetually weak, nauseated, vomiting, and other various unpleasant side effects.  I stopped taking all anti HIV medications 40 months ago.

As expected, the virus has wreaked havoc the longer it cooks in me and has fatally damaged my immune system.  Around 2 months ago I started noticing some chest pain which turned out to be an AIDS pericarditis.  That means there is so much HIV in my body that it has even gotten into the spaces around the heart causing much inflammation.  This pericarditis became severe enough in early January to land me in the hospital for 4 days.  With no immune system to speak of, I can expect the chest pain will probably always be there.

In addition to the chest pain which over the last 2 weeks has gotten to be much more severe, I have been chasing one infection after another after another.  It became clear to me at this time that unless I start taking antiviral medications again, the constant doctor visits and diagnostic tests are essentially futile.  

After weighing all my options with Ray and my doctor, and after considerable prayer, I have decided to receive hospice care at this time.  It is simple; the quality of life on the antivirals was terrible.  Certainly, the last few months in particular have been very trying for myself, and for Ray; he tries so hard to make things better for me all the time.  I love him dearly.

Ray is working so hard to take care of me mentally, physically, emotionally; he is all things a partner in life should be.  We have discussed this decision lots, and we both feel this is the time to get hospice involved.  I do not want to be in pain anymore, and I do not want Ray spending all his free time at home with the vacuum cleaner instead of us enjoying our time together!

Over the last week or so, we have already felt a great sense of relief now that hospice is here. Time may be running short, the quality of life has increased dramatically with the help of hospice care. 

There is no way to predict "how long" I have now.  What IS certain is that I am in end stage AIDS (although my outsides still appear as stunning as ever) and it is only a matter of time before a nasty infection does me in.  Statistically, 80% of AIDS deaths are caused by pneumonia.  That kind of  death can be mercifully fast.

Please understand that all the statistics, etc, are NOT important.  What IS important is that I have made a fully informed decision to not re start anti HIV medications.  I am not alone in refusing antiviral medications. 

Between 30 and 50% of people living with HIV OR AIDS in the USA will NOT tolerate the medications for long term use.  The side effects are just too harsh for me.

Call me if you wish; I am slower getting to the phone so the machine may pick up; just call out!  If we are available,  Ray or I will pick up.  But please, this is not a call to social arms, LOL; it is just an update I thought might be of interest, that's all... so nothing morbid and I am not yet ready to be a drama queen either!  You are ALL busy with your own lives and please do not at all feel like you have to really do anything in response to this update; I am fat still, I have great love in my house and two cats that are eating me out of house and home!  If you want to do something, send cat food!

I will close in saying that if I have caused offense or pain to anyone, it was not meant to happen and I can only say I am sincerely sorry for that and ask your forgiveness. And now, back to the gorgeous day calling to me from the porch......

Peace and All Good Things,

Adam>>